The following bestiary was first discovered in the papers of Doris Smealler. The early entries were written
in a highly calligraphic style and the illustrations were done with pen and ink. At present, the papers and illustrations are
far too fragile for even digital reproduction. The work was then continued by her nephew, Laird Smealler. The words are still
Doris’s but we have used Laird’s images which were stored on floppy disks—a type of storage device that was highly destructible.
After Laird's death, the papers and floppy disks were bequeathed to the Institute for the Discovery and Dissemenation of Data on
the Existence of Computable Demons1. They are presented in their original
form without editing for use as historical context and should not be referenced or cited as fact. Any attempt to do so will be punished
under the Warren Act. For a more up-to-date reference please see Mel Helmguard's Codex of Binary2 Creatures.
The Assignment Abomination
Image by Kellepics on Pixabay.
The Assignment Abomination is a devilish creature with an affinity for unattended
screens. They love to hide behind popup windows in your browser, and snack on uninitialized
variables. The abomination will often wait until the coder is ready to run the code and then
will eat all but one equality operator, causing the equality to read like an assignment.
Assignment Abominations target new coders and experienced coders alike, and when caught in the act
will often make rude noises and obscene hand gestures. It can be extremely tempting for the coder
to blame this mistake on themselves, increasing the coder’s imposter syndrome, but the coder must
never accept blame for this. It is always the fault of the Assignment Abomination.3
The best way to keep this atrocity out of your code is to avoid using Booleans completely. Remember,
a demon-free code is the key to a prosperous life!
The Iteration Snatcher
Image by MemoryCatcher on Pixabay
The Iteration Snatcher can be harder to catch than most computable demons. It lurks
beneath the code and will extend only one tentacle at a time. Don’t be fooled into
thinking that just because you only see one part of the Iteration Snatcher at a time
that it is a lesser beast. Much like an iceberg, the true danger lies beneath the code.
The more loops you have in your code the more likely you are to run into an Iteration
Snatcher. Nested loops are particularly dangerous. The best way to avoid this beast is
to avoid complex data structures altogether. If you simply must deal with nested
objects and arrays, then pay very close attention to your iterator keys. Make sure they’re
in the right place, and that you reference your outer loop in your inner loop.
This wiley demon will not only still your [i] from your loop, at times it will
place it in the wrong spot. Think you’re iterating through commands? Look again,
that horrible monster has moved your [i] from your commands to your commandType.
The fiend!4
If you suspect that you have an Iteration Snatcher in your code, pay particular
attention to the level of light in the room. The demon likes dark places so keep
your workspace well-lit. Some have noticed the smell of overheated metal in the
presence of a Snatcher. While that phenomenon cannot be substantiated, it's
better to be safe rather than sorry and search your loops for any sign of tentacles.
The Infinity Demon is another loop creature. He is even more insidious than the
Iteration Snatcher and more cruel than the Assignment Abomination. If this nasty
beast gets into your code, beware—you will become stuck in an infinite loop, lost in
space and time and you never, ever get out.6
No one can say what exactly an Infinity Demon looks like as anyone who has seen
one is lost to the void. If you suspect that your code has attracted an Infinity
Demon, throw it away and give up.7 Never
try that piece of code again as you are likely to attract double the creatures than
on your last attempt.
About Doris Smealler
Image by Zachtleven on Pixabay
Doris was born in Wichita, Kansas to Emily and Ned Smealler. She graduated with top
honors from the Michigan Institute for Technological Innovation and Supernatural
Inquiry and continued to innovate in both the field of abstract coding and micro-entity discovery.
She held numerous positions including Dean of Investigative Computing at The University of the Smokies
in Gatlinburg, Tennessee where she wrote the now famous monograph on security issues
involved with micro-entities and event handling.
Sadly, most of the work in her later life should be disregarded as it was discovered
during her autopsy that she suffered from advanced prion disease. On this discovery, and
on the insistence of her sister who claimed loudly and vociferously that Doris didn’t have
a nephew, further investigation was launched into Laird Smealler.
A wide search was conducted, but he was not found until after his death. Laird Smealler was
discovered in a roadside motel in Chippiwak, California. An autopsy revealed that Mr.
Smealler was not human after all, but an Assignment Abomination in disguise. Whether Doris
Smealler knew this is still a topic of hot debate at the annual conference on computable entities.
1. [It was subsequently discovered in 2010 that the entities previously referred to as Demons
were, in fact, not demonic in nature. However, by the point in time the institue was infamous
enough they were hesitant to change their name to something more suiting.]↩ 2. [Helmguard has stated that there is a new edition of his codex coming out in April of 2020. This codex will delineate a clearer line between the binary nature of computing and the entities themselves who may not identify in a binary way.]↩ 3. [Subsequent research has shown that in many, if not most, cases the lack of the appropriate number of equality operators is in fact the coder's fault.]↩ 4. [Thomas Whitnot is credited with the discovery that the Iteration Snatcher is actually just a widely maligned
cephalapod. They are quite playful, and do like to pull tricks, but when the [i] is missing from a loop it
is, once again, the coder's fault. The snatcher, if encountered, will usually behave if given an html entity
to play with.]↩ 5. [Due to certain popular media figures, there has been a recent push to rename the Infinity Demon. However, due to copyright laws we cannot honor that request. Please refrain from sending petitions.]↩ 6. [Please, do not panic. If you do get stuck in an infinite loop you will probably be able to get out by pressing ctrl+c.]↩ 7. [Please don't do this.]↩
